Anxious slave

I have been feeling a lot of anxiety the last few weeks. I did feel better when we went on our camping trip but it came back once we got home. The last few months have been really stressful. It seems like one thing after another has happened. I am still trying to process the loss of my FIL who passed away in April. I've been dealing with many different health issues. I am waiting to hear about a surgery date for a hysterectomy. I'm on a cancellation list so that can happen at any time. I feel like this is looming over my head. It's a really terrible feeling. It's hard to plan for anything this summer in case I get called in for the surgery.

I am dealing with the symptoms of having growing fibroids. I try not to complain about it but it's made me feel uncomfortable and caused me to have discomfort on a regular basis. I have my period coming up again and that makes me feel depressed as I often don't leave the house much during that time of the month. Having fibroids really sucks! I've tried to get rid of these things but they just seem to keep growing! :(

I didn't expect for 2013 to be so stressful. I had no idea that so many different things would happen this year which would cause me to have anxiety. I am trying to cope with the anxiety in healthy ways. My Doctor gave me pills for it but I don't like to take them because I don't want to become addicted to them. I have done yoga but not in a while. I should probably start doing it again. I just hate having to do it alone.

I still try to go for daily walks but it's been pretty warm out so I don't walk as far. I wish there was a way to get rid of the anxiety when it gets really bad. I am trying to cope with anxiety but some days are much harder than others.

How do you deal with anxiety? Any tips on how to deal with it in a healthy way?

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Feeling anxious and depressed over hysterectomy

I have had many different times in my life that I have been depressed or felt anxiety but nothing like the last few days. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I am feeling very anxious and depressed over my upcoming hysterectomy. There are some serious risks involved with mine due to size/location of the one on my bladder. I felt a sense of acceptance over this but then I started to doubt the surgery again. Am I doing the right thing? Have I made the right decision?

Some people have been incredibly supportive and understanding about how I have been feeling. Especially those other women who have had a hysterectomy and know what I'm going through. I am very thankful for them! It really means a lot to talk to others who have been through this. I know they can relate to my feelings over this surgery.

I've gotten some really helpful and supportive messages and e-mails. Other people have attacked me. I tried to reach out to my sister yesterday. She sent me a brutal e-mail back. I was told that the hysterectomy is "not a big deal" and that I can basically deal with it myself. She even told me that I should go see a counselor to deal with my problems. I should have expected a lack of support from her. She has never really been there for me in the past. Unfortunately my extended family (not Anakin or my kids) have never really been there for me.

I had a really rough night and couldn't sleep. I posted on Facebook about it. I was surprised by a very harsh comment on there from someone who hardly even knows me!! She tells me that she doesn't mean to attack me but that's how it felt. I've also had someone else make me feel badly for having any kind of feelings about this surgery. Someone else told me to "not worry about it". What the hell!! Why don't people just show support and not attack?  I feel like I'm being kicked while I'm down.

This is major surgery. It can take a woman up to a year to be fully healed from this. It can take weeks or even months to really recover from the surgical part of it. How am I supposed to feel about this? A lot of people may not know this but my Dad died on the operating table. It was a different type of surgery but it still happened. I am sure he didn't expect to not wake up again once he was put under. There are risks and this is a very big surgery.

I've been wondering if I should just avoid social media until the surgery is over. It really doesn't help me to come onto Facebook or check my e-mails and be attacked. Why is asking for support so difficult for some people? This is one of the scariest things I have ever been through in my life. All I'm asking for is some support and love during a very scary time in my life. Why is that too hard to ask?

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Nervous about upcoming hysterectomy

I haven't been feeling up to blogging much lately. I've been feeling a bit depressed lately. 2013 hasn't turned out to be a great year. It seems to be one thing after another. I spent months going back and forth to the hospital with my FIL. He passed away in April. I had a breast cancer scare after getting a mammogram done. I've been dealing with lots of health issues this year despite trying to get healthy.

A lot of my health issues started in December. I thought that getting healthy would help them. I started doing yoga. I cleaned up my diet. I have lost 30 pounds so far. It didn't seem to help my periods though. They just seemed to get worse. One of my periods lasted 2 weeks and was the period from hell. I knew something was wrong and went to see the Doctor. He noticed my uterus was enlarged and sent me for an ultrasound.

My uterus is filled with fibroids. One of the largest is 10 cm. The fibroids have been making my life miserable. I even wound up in the ER over it. I was put on a waiting list to see the specialist. It's taken two months to finally see one. The appointment is tomorrow. It's been recommended that I have a hysterectomy. I have gone back and forth over this surgery. I've agonized about whether I should get it done or not. It's been one of the toughest decisions to make in my life.

Getting a hysterectomy is major surgery. I wanted to make sure that I was making the right decision about it. Master Anakin and I had a very big talk last night. I have decided to get the hysterectomy done. I will find out more information tomorrow about it. I'm going to need a lot of help and support to get through the recovery time.

One of the best websites that I joined was HysterSisters.  I've spent hours on there reading about it. I joined it the other day. I've been wanting to talk to others who have gone through it. I know that everyone has a different experience with it but it helps to know that I'm not alone.

My force hasn't felt very strong lately. I'm really glad to have Master in my life though. He's been my strong force. I don't know what I would do without Him.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

A blogging break

The last few days have been extremely stressful for me. I'm dealing with a lot of serious stuff happening in my life. My FIL is starting to really decline and that situation is not looking very good. Master Anakin has taken the day off work today. We are planning to visit him. The visits take a lot out of me though. I'm never sure if it's the last time I'm ever going to see him. My heart is breaking. I have always considered my FIL to be a member of my immediate family and like a Dad. It's very hard situation to be dealing with.

We are also dealing with some family issues going on right now. I want to make it clear that my marriage and relationship are solid though. It's been a really rough time for Anakin too but we are holding strong together to get through this rough patch. 

I've been really depressed the last few days. I haven't felt like being online very much. I'm sorry if I haven't responded to your tweet/DM/e-mail or messages. I may be out of touch while I'm dealing with things.  I'm trying to hold it together right now and that hasn't been easy for me. I am just hoping that things will get easier at some point.

I've decided to take a break from blogging until things get a bit better. The journey to the darkside will continue...

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Staying strong through the dark times

The last few days have been very challenging and stressful for me. I've had a very hard staying on track during it. It was wonderful to get away for a night on Friday. I was able to escape my problems and worries for a while. Then we came back to a lot of reality. My FIL is facing some very serious health issues right now.

He's had pneumonia as well as issues with having cancer. He's deteriorated a lot in the last few weeks. He is still in ICU and not doing very well. I am not sure if/when he is getting out.  The visits to the ICU are exhausting and very emotionally draining.  The ICU has to be one of the most depressing places that I've ever been in my life. A lot of the people are very critical. Some of them wind up getting moved over to the hospice. I keep wondering if we might be dealing with that one day soon. :/

I spent most of the day crying yesterday and feeling very depressed. My FIL is like a Dad to me. He's become a very important part of our family. It feels like a very hopeless situation. I have tried to keep the faith and be positive but it's been very hard sometimes. He is skin and bones and is wasting away in a hospital bed. Cancer sucks! Sometimes he is able to communicate with us but other times he doesn't even recognize us. :(  I'm never sure if I'm ever going to see him again when we leave the hospital. It's a *horrible* feeling!!!

Staying on a healthy track is very difficult when I'm so stressed and depressed over this. Yesterday I was really tempted to pick up some vodka and get really drunk. I've sworn off hard liquor though. I still drink wine but that's very limited. I want to try to cope with the stress and go back to old bad habits like turning to vodka to try to comfort me. I'm not doing to do that though. I was able to do yoga today and that helped me a lot. I was very proud of myself for staying on track even though I was really not wanting to.  Staying healthy when you are very depressed and stressed is hard. I'm really proud of myself. It hasn't been easy at times.

My force hasn't felt very strong lately but Master has been very supportive. Our force is strong. This is a very rough time but I know we'll get through this. We are a very strong couple.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Life can be a roller coaster!

Life can be a real roller coaster sometimes! Many ups and downs as well as hard times. This weekend had many ups and downs. I was glad to take a bit of a break yesterday from it all. We went on a family walk in the park. I enjoyed the sunshine and walking on a hike with Master. We came back and I felt like a bit of a crash.

Master is home from work today. We are dealing with some really serious issues. My FIL needs some legal work done. He's still in ICU and not in great shape. This whole situation is very difficult. I always have to emotionally prepare myself for a visit with my FIL. The ICU is a very depressing place to be. It really shakes me up sometimes.

It's hard to stay healthy in the midst of a crisis. I want to go back to old habits. The temptation is very strong sometimes to drink a shot of vodka. I don't drink hard liquor anymore. It's hard though. I really want to have a shot right now. It used to help me cope with my stress. I need to find healthier ways to deal with it. I haven't done yoga in a few days. I'm going to try to do that today. It's also a sunny day so I'm going to try to go out for a big hike with Master somewhere.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

A stressful weekend

It's been a pretty stressful weekend. I could really use a vacation or even a break from life. I was hoping that we might get a date night on Friday but it never happened. I was exhausted and had been feeling depressed all day. Master Anakin bought me some wine but that seemed to make me more sleepy. We did have some really great sex before bed. I even had a big g-spot orgasm. He spanked me with His hand and then sent me to bed.

I woke up to one of the worst periods ever!!! My period has been really late and it finally started!! It's been horrible! The Doctor suspects that I have fibroids which are causing my heavy periods. I was even offered the chance to have a hysterectomy. That seems very scary to me though. I've heard some horror stories about hysterectomies and how they can affect your hormones. It's hard though. I feel awful today. Maybe it's not such a bad idea after all. The heavy periods are causing me to get anemic as well. Anakin mentioned that my face looked pale. I also get really tired too.

My FIL isn't doing very well. It's turned into a serious situation. He caught a cold while at the hospital. We noticed it the other day. He reassured us that he would talk to the nurse about it. He didn't though. It looked like the cold had gone into his chest. I'm very certain that it's pneumonia. It can be common to get that while in the hospital. He's got cancer and a very low immune system. We called the nurse to come look at him. She seemed surprised by how bad it was. :/  His blood pressure was low. His heart was racing. He really didn't look very well.

I felt very uneasy leaving the hospital. I just had a really bad feeling about it. Anakin phoned the hospital and talked to several people about it. The whole situation really bothered me last night. I could barely function. I had to take a sleeping pill to get some sleep. I kept expecting the phone to ring from the hospital. We are going back up there today to check on him. I really hope he's going to be ok. I'm very worried. Cancer sucks!

We don't have a lot of help and support with this situation either. I'm kind of pissed off at a few family members. This is a very serious situation. It's hard to deal with. I have felt very depressed about it. It is very difficult to see a loved one with cancer that is struggling to breathe. :(  I love my FIL like my Dad. He's been really good to me and the family. It's going to be very hard when the day comes that we lose him.

I'm not sure how much I'll be blogging or online in the next few weeks. There is also some other family drama going on. I've had some challenges with the teen too. I'm just feeling very tired of it all. I want to run away and escape. I'd really love some time on the darkside with Master right now..

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala