A naughty Friday night with Anakin!

Friday night was a really fun and naughty night for me! I got to have a date night with Master Anakin! It was really nice to have a distraction and some fun! We went to see the movie, Jobs. Really, really good movie! We were both really impressed with it. He took me out for sushi afterwords. Then we went home to play on the darkside!!

I got spanked!!!! YAH!!! He used His hand and belt on my bottom! We had some amazing sex!! He gave me a really big g-spot orgasms too! It was so nice to escape into some play for a few hours. We woke up to some more play too on Saturday. I really enjoyed the connection with Him!

I went to the Dentist on Saturday afternoon. I needed to get 3 cavities filled and wanted this done before my upcoming surgery. One of them was very deep. *Major* ouchies!!!! I started to feel terrible by Saturday night. I was told there is a chance that the cavity could result in a root canal if the pain doesn't go away. It's two days later and it's still bothering me. :/  Not fun! Tooth pain is the worst!!

I've also had PMS going on. I spent a lot of time over the weekend resting and watching one of my new favorite shows Lost!! It's very addictive and on Netflix. It helped to distract me from everything that is going on.

I am feeling a lot of anxiety over my upcoming Hysterectomy next month. It's been hard to think about anything else lately. I wake up thinking about it. I go to bed thinking about it. It's only a few weeks away now. I am feeling a bit of a nesting instinct to get everything organized before the surgery. I want to make sure my place is cleaned and organized.

 Master Anakin bought me a few things for it. I got a nice new large nightgown. He even got a book from Chapters about Hysterectomy so I could understand it a bit better. He's been very supportive and wonderful. I am so glad He is there for me. I don't know what I would do without Him. He is my strong force. :)

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Feeling anxious and depressed over hysterectomy

I have had many different times in my life that I have been depressed or felt anxiety but nothing like the last few days. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I am feeling very anxious and depressed over my upcoming hysterectomy. There are some serious risks involved with mine due to size/location of the one on my bladder. I felt a sense of acceptance over this but then I started to doubt the surgery again. Am I doing the right thing? Have I made the right decision?

Some people have been incredibly supportive and understanding about how I have been feeling. Especially those other women who have had a hysterectomy and know what I'm going through. I am very thankful for them! It really means a lot to talk to others who have been through this. I know they can relate to my feelings over this surgery.

I've gotten some really helpful and supportive messages and e-mails. Other people have attacked me. I tried to reach out to my sister yesterday. She sent me a brutal e-mail back. I was told that the hysterectomy is "not a big deal" and that I can basically deal with it myself. She even told me that I should go see a counselor to deal with my problems. I should have expected a lack of support from her. She has never really been there for me in the past. Unfortunately my extended family (not Anakin or my kids) have never really been there for me.

I had a really rough night and couldn't sleep. I posted on Facebook about it. I was surprised by a very harsh comment on there from someone who hardly even knows me!! She tells me that she doesn't mean to attack me but that's how it felt. I've also had someone else make me feel badly for having any kind of feelings about this surgery. Someone else told me to "not worry about it". What the hell!! Why don't people just show support and not attack?  I feel like I'm being kicked while I'm down.

This is major surgery. It can take a woman up to a year to be fully healed from this. It can take weeks or even months to really recover from the surgical part of it. How am I supposed to feel about this? A lot of people may not know this but my Dad died on the operating table. It was a different type of surgery but it still happened. I am sure he didn't expect to not wake up again once he was put under. There are risks and this is a very big surgery.

I've been wondering if I should just avoid social media until the surgery is over. It really doesn't help me to come onto Facebook or check my e-mails and be attacked. Why is asking for support so difficult for some people? This is one of the scariest things I have ever been through in my life. All I'm asking for is some support and love during a very scary time in my life. Why is that too hard to ask?

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Scared about hysterectomy

I thought that I would blog about some of my feelings regarding the upcoming hysterectomy. I'm scared and nervous about this. I honestly think this is one of the scariest things that I have ever dealt with in my life. This type of situation makes you really evaluate your life. I had to have a very difficult discussion last night with Master Anakin. It was about my final wishes should something happen to me during this surgery.

It was recommended by HysterSisters as well as other people to have that important discussion. Master didn't really want to talk about it but did discuss this with me. It was one of the most difficult talks that I've ever had with Him. I could tell that He's scared and nervous like I am. I am sitting here in tears as I write this blog post. This is a very hard to think about. I was up last night thinking about it.

I am really glad that I am not fighting with anyone right now going into this surgery. I want to make sure that my feelings for people are said. I really wish that I had done up a will. I've been putting it off because it's something that no one wants to think about. I want to make it through surgery and be ok. I want to be able to pee ok and not have any bladder damage or complications. A lot of people have talked about their health issues improving after a hysterectomy. I just want to feel better.

The last year has been very challenging for me and changed me in so many ways. I have a much deeper appreciation for my friends and family. I am grateful to be alive. It's scary to think about what would happen if I don't make it through surgery and the people that I would leave behind, especially Master and my kids. :/  This whole thing is a very scary experience.

Thank you for everyone who has given me support and friendship with what I am going through. I truly appreciate it. It helps to know that there have been many others who have had hysterectomies and made it through surgery ok with no complications.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Proceeding with the hysterectomy

I went to see the Specialist today regarding the hysterectomy. I got a lot of answers regarding the surgery. I didn't realize how bad the situation was until today. She wanted to do an internal exam and then did a biopsy on me. There is a small risk of cancer with having fast growing fibroids. She wanted to be sure. The biopsy hurt 10 X worse than a pap smear. She had to take a tube and put it through my cervix to get it into my uterus and scrap the cells. The pain was extreme!! I am a masochist but that was unbearable. I am now bleeding from it. Not fun! :(

She saw the ultrasound results and did an internal to check the size/shape of the fibroids. She had a pretty serious look on her face. She told me that she recommends that I get a hysterectomy. She doesn't always recommend it but she does in my case. The fibroids are quickly growing. My largest which was 10 cm is now 14 cm. There is a really nasty one right on my bladder. I thought that peeing all the time was just a part of aging. She explains that one makes the surgery more complicated.

She said there is a risk of damage to the bladder/urethra. She plans to keep me in the hospital until I can pee ok. She plans to take the uterus, tubes and cervix. She wants to keep my ovaries although they may have to be removed if she finds a problem with them during the surgery. She showed me a diagram of how big the largest fibroids are. Wow!! I couldn't believe it! It made my head spin! No wonder I'm having a lot of health issues. I realized there was no other options regarding this surgery. This is not a good situation at all. :(

She told me that the surgery is "bloody" and there is usually major blood loss. I had to sign a consent for a blood transfusion. She said the recovery will depend on what type of surgery (I am getting laproscopic but might need to be cut open too and have abdominal) and how fast I bounce back from this and what is removed. It's a lot to think about. I haven't needed any type of surgery since my c-section. This is a different type of surgery. It's all very scary. I came home and had a full blown panic attack over this. :/

I've been put on a waiting list to get this done ASAP. I was told to be ready for this at any time. They will phone me if there are any cancellations. 

This is a life changing event. I just hope that everything will be ok. It's all very scary and upsetting. My force is not feeling very strong.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Nervous about upcoming hysterectomy

I haven't been feeling up to blogging much lately. I've been feeling a bit depressed lately. 2013 hasn't turned out to be a great year. It seems to be one thing after another. I spent months going back and forth to the hospital with my FIL. He passed away in April. I had a breast cancer scare after getting a mammogram done. I've been dealing with lots of health issues this year despite trying to get healthy.

A lot of my health issues started in December. I thought that getting healthy would help them. I started doing yoga. I cleaned up my diet. I have lost 30 pounds so far. It didn't seem to help my periods though. They just seemed to get worse. One of my periods lasted 2 weeks and was the period from hell. I knew something was wrong and went to see the Doctor. He noticed my uterus was enlarged and sent me for an ultrasound.

My uterus is filled with fibroids. One of the largest is 10 cm. The fibroids have been making my life miserable. I even wound up in the ER over it. I was put on a waiting list to see the specialist. It's taken two months to finally see one. The appointment is tomorrow. It's been recommended that I have a hysterectomy. I have gone back and forth over this surgery. I've agonized about whether I should get it done or not. It's been one of the toughest decisions to make in my life.

Getting a hysterectomy is major surgery. I wanted to make sure that I was making the right decision about it. Master Anakin and I had a very big talk last night. I have decided to get the hysterectomy done. I will find out more information tomorrow about it. I'm going to need a lot of help and support to get through the recovery time.

One of the best websites that I joined was HysterSisters.  I've spent hours on there reading about it. I joined it the other day. I've been wanting to talk to others who have gone through it. I know that everyone has a different experience with it but it helps to know that I'm not alone.

My force hasn't felt very strong lately. I'm really glad to have Master in my life though. He's been my strong force. I don't know what I would do without Him.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

The dreaded call back on a Mammogram

The last 48 hours have been some of the most stressful that I've ever had. On Thursday I got the call that women dread. I had my first mammogram done the week before. They wanted to do more diagnostic testing. The woman didn't tell me much on the phone but wanted to get me in right away. That set off some of the worst panic and anxiety that I've ever had.

One of my closest friends is a breast cancer survivor. She has gone through hell with it. She was one of the first people that I phoned to tell the news. She's been really reassuring. She even came with me to my appointment yesterday for a second mammogram. 

I went for the second Mammogram after a really awful night. I hardly slept. I couldn't eat breakfast. I thought I was going to puke. The lady was very friendly. She told me they only wanted to examine my left breast near the nipple. She told me it's very common to get called back for more tests after a first mammogram and not to worry. That's very hard though. Obviously you are going to worry. I was told to wait in the waiting room to see if I needed anymore testing like an ultrasound. I was really hoping she would come and tell me it was ok. She handed me a slip of paper though and told me to come back for an ultrasound.

I've been spending a lot of time researching and reading about it. The ultrasound will show a lot more and hopefully it won't need a biopsy. At least the stats are in my favor. There is usually a very low risk of it turning out to be cancer. They told me that 90% of calls back are fine. You can't help but think of the 10% who do have cancer though. My friend was one of those people. It's really hard to not think about it or worry. I will admit that this has really consumed me. I can't think about anything else.

Tomorrow is the teen's prom/grad. I am going to try very hard to focus on her big day and celebrate something positive. It's just very difficult with this happening right now. I wish that I had some answers. Thank you for everyone who has messaged me and be there through this. I don't feel so alone with going through this experience. I will keep everyone updated.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Feeling the force through a difficult time

I am trying to feel the force during a very difficult time. It's been just over a week since my FIL (Father-in-law) passed away. Hard to believe. It's been such a busy and stressful week. Lots to do for the memorial and estate stuff is starting. It's a hell of a lot of work. It's a very emotional as well as physical process. It's hard to pack up all my in-laws belongings. It's weird to think there won't be anymore visits to their place.

I am trying to get back to normal but things don't feel quite right. I'm still very emotional and have meltdowns a lot. It's very hard. I know that my FIL is in a better place but I still miss him. It's hard to adjust to a life without both of my in-laws. It feels like the end of an era.

I am planning to start writing my speech today for my FIL's memorial. It's very difficult for me to find the words. My FIL was a very big part of our life. It's really hard to say goodbye.  :( 

I feel like a very changed person after my experiences of visiting my FIL during the last few months. He was in the hospital after a bad fall in January. Anakin and I visited the hospital between 50-60 times. I felt a very strong bond with my FIL. I held his hand and comforted him during some very difficult times. Watching a loved one suffer from cancer is very cruel and mean. There were some really heartbreaking moments during our visits. I'm glad that he is not in anymore pain. He is also together with his wife now. I know he wasn't the same after my MIL passed away.

Watching someone you love pass away is truly a life changing experience. I spent 10-15 minutes alone with my FIL after he passed away. I will never forget what that experience was like. It was truly surreal and spiritual as well. I feel my FIL's spirit around us. It gives me comfort that I will meet him again one day. As well as many other loved ones.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Sad news about my FIL

It's been a really difficult few months since my FIL (Father-in-law) went into the hospital back in January. We knew it was coming but was still a shock to get the phone call last night. We got the call just before 10 pm that he didn't have much time left. We raced to the hospital and got there shortly after he passed away. Anakin and I and both of our kids said our final goodbyes. I spent about 10 minutes alone with my FIL. It was a very surreal moment for me and extremely difficult.

I told him how much I loved him and thanked him for being so good to me and my family. It was one of the most difficult moments of my life. We stayed for about 2 hours and left the hospital just after midnight. It was a very strange feeling to know that we were leaving the hospital and not coming back again. It's become such a big part of our lives the last few months. Cancer sucks. I am glad he is not in anymore pain but it's a very difficult process to lose someone you love so much.

My FIL was like a Dad to me. He helped me to raise my kids. He was a class act and very good man. Some deaths really hit you harder than other ones. I almost don't have the words to describe how I feel right now. I am crying as I type this blog post. My heart feels very sad.

We have a meeting at the funeral home this afternoon. There is lots to do for the memorial. I am not sure how much I will be online for the next few days or weeks. This is a very difficult time for our whole family.

May the force be with my FIL...I am so grateful for each and every day that I got to spend with him over the last 20 years. He will truly be missed...

~padme amidala

Staying strong through the dark times

The last few days have been very challenging and stressful for me. I've had a very hard staying on track during it. It was wonderful to get away for a night on Friday. I was able to escape my problems and worries for a while. Then we came back to a lot of reality. My FIL is facing some very serious health issues right now.

He's had pneumonia as well as issues with having cancer. He's deteriorated a lot in the last few weeks. He is still in ICU and not doing very well. I am not sure if/when he is getting out.  The visits to the ICU are exhausting and very emotionally draining.  The ICU has to be one of the most depressing places that I've ever been in my life. A lot of the people are very critical. Some of them wind up getting moved over to the hospice. I keep wondering if we might be dealing with that one day soon. :/

I spent most of the day crying yesterday and feeling very depressed. My FIL is like a Dad to me. He's become a very important part of our family. It feels like a very hopeless situation. I have tried to keep the faith and be positive but it's been very hard sometimes. He is skin and bones and is wasting away in a hospital bed. Cancer sucks! Sometimes he is able to communicate with us but other times he doesn't even recognize us. :(  I'm never sure if I'm ever going to see him again when we leave the hospital. It's a *horrible* feeling!!!

Staying on a healthy track is very difficult when I'm so stressed and depressed over this. Yesterday I was really tempted to pick up some vodka and get really drunk. I've sworn off hard liquor though. I still drink wine but that's very limited. I want to try to cope with the stress and go back to old bad habits like turning to vodka to try to comfort me. I'm not doing to do that though. I was able to do yoga today and that helped me a lot. I was very proud of myself for staying on track even though I was really not wanting to.  Staying healthy when you are very depressed and stressed is hard. I'm really proud of myself. It hasn't been easy at times.

My force hasn't felt very strong lately but Master has been very supportive. Our force is strong. This is a very rough time but I know we'll get through this. We are a very strong couple.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Calm in the midst of a storm

This morning felt like the calm in the midst of a storm. I've been really stressed out lately. The whole situation with my FIL has been very stressful. We found out that he does have pneumonia in his lungs. There was some talk about doing surgery but we need to take it one step at a time. He needs to get stronger and better first. It's a very serious situation. I try to hold onto every moment that I get to spend with him. I never know when we are leaving the hospital if it's the last time I might see my FIL.

Anakin has been very upset. He's lost a mom and is dealing with a Dad who's fighting for his life. I saw Anakin crying and that isn't something He does very often. He tries hard to be strong but I can tell this has been really upsetting for Him. I wish that I could do more. It's a very helpless situation and it's been hard for our whole family.

I was up at 5 am and started to snuggle up to Master. We started to kiss and then make out a little. We were both holding onto the moment. I felt His hard cock and then He eased His way into me. The sex was very loving. I needed that connection so badly. I was able to kiss Him goodbye on the way out the door. He also gave me permission to use the Hitachi today. I'm having a day of rest. I think that I've really needed this.

Anakin and I are strong. Our force is strong. We'll get through this storm together. We are a very strong couple. We've gone through bad times and gotten through it. Life is really hard sometimes. You have to hold onto those special moments. This morning felt really nice. A nice escape from all the stress. I love my Master so much. I can't imagine my life without Him.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Bad news

We got some bad news this morning. :/  The hospital phoned. Things didn't sound very good. My FIL's stats were pretty bad so they sent him over to the ER department. I've been really worried that this might happen. :(  I'm very upset right now. I don't want to lose my FIL. He's a good man. I'm really sad this is happening. He's a very big part of my family.

One of the hardest parts about life is when you start to lose people you love. I've lost too many to cancer. :(  It really makes you think about life and how short it is. Hold onto those you love. One day they might not be there anymore.

My heart is hurting. I am trying to hold on through this rough time. It's hard to lose someone you love. I just hope that we can get more time with my FIL. I'm not ready to lose him yet. :(  I know that this is really hard for Anakin and our kids too. He's been a very big part of my kid's lives. I'm very glad for all the great memories we have shared as a family. This is very upsetting.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

A stressful weekend

It's been a pretty stressful weekend. I could really use a vacation or even a break from life. I was hoping that we might get a date night on Friday but it never happened. I was exhausted and had been feeling depressed all day. Master Anakin bought me some wine but that seemed to make me more sleepy. We did have some really great sex before bed. I even had a big g-spot orgasm. He spanked me with His hand and then sent me to bed.

I woke up to one of the worst periods ever!!! My period has been really late and it finally started!! It's been horrible! The Doctor suspects that I have fibroids which are causing my heavy periods. I was even offered the chance to have a hysterectomy. That seems very scary to me though. I've heard some horror stories about hysterectomies and how they can affect your hormones. It's hard though. I feel awful today. Maybe it's not such a bad idea after all. The heavy periods are causing me to get anemic as well. Anakin mentioned that my face looked pale. I also get really tired too.

My FIL isn't doing very well. It's turned into a serious situation. He caught a cold while at the hospital. We noticed it the other day. He reassured us that he would talk to the nurse about it. He didn't though. It looked like the cold had gone into his chest. I'm very certain that it's pneumonia. It can be common to get that while in the hospital. He's got cancer and a very low immune system. We called the nurse to come look at him. She seemed surprised by how bad it was. :/  His blood pressure was low. His heart was racing. He really didn't look very well.

I felt very uneasy leaving the hospital. I just had a really bad feeling about it. Anakin phoned the hospital and talked to several people about it. The whole situation really bothered me last night. I could barely function. I had to take a sleeping pill to get some sleep. I kept expecting the phone to ring from the hospital. We are going back up there today to check on him. I really hope he's going to be ok. I'm very worried. Cancer sucks!

We don't have a lot of help and support with this situation either. I'm kind of pissed off at a few family members. This is a very serious situation. It's hard to deal with. I have felt very depressed about it. It is very difficult to see a loved one with cancer that is struggling to breathe. :(  I love my FIL like my Dad. He's been really good to me and the family. It's going to be very hard when the day comes that we lose him.

I'm not sure how much I'll be blogging or online in the next few weeks. There is also some other family drama going on. I've had some challenges with the teen too. I'm just feeling very tired of it all. I want to run away and escape. I'd really love some time on the darkside with Master right now..

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

A rough few days

It's been a rough few days. Yesterday was a pretty bad day. There is some family drama going on as well as the situation with my FIL. My FIL is in the hospital with a broken leg. He's also got a lot going on with having cancer.

He is needing oxygen and a lot of help and support right now. We are his caregivers so there is a lot of responsibility right now. It's not easy to deal with a parent with terminal cancer. It's been upsetting for the whole family. :(

There is some drama going on with my mom and brother. I knew that it was a bad idea for them to live together. It hasn't gone very well. I need to take a few steps back from that situation though. It's way too stressful to deal with. My main focus is Master Anakin and our kids as well as my FIL.

Today is a busy day for me. I am walking my son to school in the mornings now as well as the afternoons. I'm also getting back into yoga. I haven't done it since Friday. I think it will help with some stress relief. I'm chatting with my good friend, @jenpet right now. I want to wish her well for the birth of her new daughter on Thursday! I'm really excited for her! :)

I am missing Master a lot today. I'm glad He is home on Friday. I am hoping that we can continue with the play that we started yesterday. It got interrupted and I would love to get more spankings from Him! :)

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala