Good news!

I got some really good news today! I went to the Doctor after getting a second mammogram and breast ultrasound done. Master Anakin took the day off work today to go with me to the appointment. I've been a really big emotional mess over this. I've lost weight. I have barely slept. I could barely function.  I was shaking when the Doctor came into the room. He told us "No cancer. Everything's fine".  I immediately started crying.

He was surprised I was crying because it was good news. My tears were because I was so relieved though. All that stress and build up this last week. I didn't know what he was going to tell me. I go back in November (six months) for a standard follow-up for it. I feel like a big black cloud has been lifted. I have a much better appreciation for life after this experience. I have never been so glad to be alive and ok.

He said there is a lesion on my left breast. Most likely some kind of scar tissue. He reassured me though there is nothing to worry about. At least there wasn't a lump. I can relax and finally get some sleep now. 

Thank you to all those friends who messaged and supported me this last week. It was a very scary time.  I have never been so worried and scared in my whole life. You really helped me through a dark time. I am so extremely grateful for my friends in my life! Thank you!

Thank you also to Master Anakin. I know He was very worried about me. He's been extremely supportive and wonderful. I'm so glad to be married to such a wonderful Man. 

My force is feeling strong!!

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

The Good - This weekend was a mixture of emotions for me. The good part of it was seeing my teen daughter have her prom night. She looked beautiful in her prom dress. Her boyfriend surprised her by taking her to prom in a helicopter! Talk about making an entrance! I was so happy for the teen. It was nice to celebrate something positive. I can't believe she is graduating from high school! The years have really flown by fast.

The Bad - I was extremely stressed out about getting a call back on my mammogram. I had a second mammogram done on Friday. I spent a lot of time over the weekend feeling very worried and anxious. I spent almost 2 hours on Saturday night trying to find a lump in my left breast.

I couldn't feel anything and either could Anakin. My Doctor also didn't feel anything when I had a breast exam during my recent physical exam. It's been agonizing waiting to find out what's going on. I have a breast ultrasound tomorrow on my left breast. I see the Doctor on Thursday to discuss the results. I may need a biopsy if the breast ultrasound doesn't go very well. It's hard to wait for answers. I know people tell me not to worry but how can you not?  It's a very big worry. Having breast cancer would change my life. I just hope it turns out ok. I've been extremely stressed out about it.

and the Ugly - Cancer is such an ugly disease. I feel like it's touched my life in so many ways. I've watched it take away people that I love. I've seen people (like one of my best friends) struggle with it in a very big way. She had stage 3 breast cancer. Had 2 years of chemo and radiation as well as losing her breasts. Cancer sucks! It is a horrible feeling when you wonder if you have it. I've tried to be healthy but sometimes that isn't enough. Cancer can happen to anyone. It's very scary. :(

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Sad news about my FIL

It's been a really difficult few months since my FIL (Father-in-law) went into the hospital back in January. We knew it was coming but was still a shock to get the phone call last night. We got the call just before 10 pm that he didn't have much time left. We raced to the hospital and got there shortly after he passed away. Anakin and I and both of our kids said our final goodbyes. I spent about 10 minutes alone with my FIL. It was a very surreal moment for me and extremely difficult.

I told him how much I loved him and thanked him for being so good to me and my family. It was one of the most difficult moments of my life. We stayed for about 2 hours and left the hospital just after midnight. It was a very strange feeling to know that we were leaving the hospital and not coming back again. It's become such a big part of our lives the last few months. Cancer sucks. I am glad he is not in anymore pain but it's a very difficult process to lose someone you love so much.

My FIL was like a Dad to me. He helped me to raise my kids. He was a class act and very good man. Some deaths really hit you harder than other ones. I almost don't have the words to describe how I feel right now. I am crying as I type this blog post. My heart feels very sad.

We have a meeting at the funeral home this afternoon. There is lots to do for the memorial. I am not sure how much I will be online for the next few days or weeks. This is a very difficult time for our whole family.

May the force be with my FIL...I am so grateful for each and every day that I got to spend with him over the last 20 years. He will truly be missed...

~padme amidala

Staying strong through the dark times

The last few days have been very challenging and stressful for me. I've had a very hard staying on track during it. It was wonderful to get away for a night on Friday. I was able to escape my problems and worries for a while. Then we came back to a lot of reality. My FIL is facing some very serious health issues right now.

He's had pneumonia as well as issues with having cancer. He's deteriorated a lot in the last few weeks. He is still in ICU and not doing very well. I am not sure if/when he is getting out.  The visits to the ICU are exhausting and very emotionally draining.  The ICU has to be one of the most depressing places that I've ever been in my life. A lot of the people are very critical. Some of them wind up getting moved over to the hospice. I keep wondering if we might be dealing with that one day soon. :/

I spent most of the day crying yesterday and feeling very depressed. My FIL is like a Dad to me. He's become a very important part of our family. It feels like a very hopeless situation. I have tried to keep the faith and be positive but it's been very hard sometimes. He is skin and bones and is wasting away in a hospital bed. Cancer sucks! Sometimes he is able to communicate with us but other times he doesn't even recognize us. :(  I'm never sure if I'm ever going to see him again when we leave the hospital. It's a *horrible* feeling!!!

Staying on a healthy track is very difficult when I'm so stressed and depressed over this. Yesterday I was really tempted to pick up some vodka and get really drunk. I've sworn off hard liquor though. I still drink wine but that's very limited. I want to try to cope with the stress and go back to old bad habits like turning to vodka to try to comfort me. I'm not doing to do that though. I was able to do yoga today and that helped me a lot. I was very proud of myself for staying on track even though I was really not wanting to.  Staying healthy when you are very depressed and stressed is hard. I'm really proud of myself. It hasn't been easy at times.

My force hasn't felt very strong lately but Master has been very supportive. Our force is strong. This is a very rough time but I know we'll get through this. We are a very strong couple.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Bad news

We got some bad news this morning. :/  The hospital phoned. Things didn't sound very good. My FIL's stats were pretty bad so they sent him over to the ER department. I've been really worried that this might happen. :(  I'm very upset right now. I don't want to lose my FIL. He's a good man. I'm really sad this is happening. He's a very big part of my family.

One of the hardest parts about life is when you start to lose people you love. I've lost too many to cancer. :(  It really makes you think about life and how short it is. Hold onto those you love. One day they might not be there anymore.

My heart is hurting. I am trying to hold on through this rough time. It's hard to lose someone you love. I just hope that we can get more time with my FIL. I'm not ready to lose him yet. :(  I know that this is really hard for Anakin and our kids too. He's been a very big part of my kid's lives. I'm very glad for all the great memories we have shared as a family. This is very upsetting.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

A stressful weekend

It's been a pretty stressful weekend. I could really use a vacation or even a break from life. I was hoping that we might get a date night on Friday but it never happened. I was exhausted and had been feeling depressed all day. Master Anakin bought me some wine but that seemed to make me more sleepy. We did have some really great sex before bed. I even had a big g-spot orgasm. He spanked me with His hand and then sent me to bed.

I woke up to one of the worst periods ever!!! My period has been really late and it finally started!! It's been horrible! The Doctor suspects that I have fibroids which are causing my heavy periods. I was even offered the chance to have a hysterectomy. That seems very scary to me though. I've heard some horror stories about hysterectomies and how they can affect your hormones. It's hard though. I feel awful today. Maybe it's not such a bad idea after all. The heavy periods are causing me to get anemic as well. Anakin mentioned that my face looked pale. I also get really tired too.

My FIL isn't doing very well. It's turned into a serious situation. He caught a cold while at the hospital. We noticed it the other day. He reassured us that he would talk to the nurse about it. He didn't though. It looked like the cold had gone into his chest. I'm very certain that it's pneumonia. It can be common to get that while in the hospital. He's got cancer and a very low immune system. We called the nurse to come look at him. She seemed surprised by how bad it was. :/  His blood pressure was low. His heart was racing. He really didn't look very well.

I felt very uneasy leaving the hospital. I just had a really bad feeling about it. Anakin phoned the hospital and talked to several people about it. The whole situation really bothered me last night. I could barely function. I had to take a sleeping pill to get some sleep. I kept expecting the phone to ring from the hospital. We are going back up there today to check on him. I really hope he's going to be ok. I'm very worried. Cancer sucks!

We don't have a lot of help and support with this situation either. I'm kind of pissed off at a few family members. This is a very serious situation. It's hard to deal with. I have felt very depressed about it. It is very difficult to see a loved one with cancer that is struggling to breathe. :(  I love my FIL like my Dad. He's been really good to me and the family. It's going to be very hard when the day comes that we lose him.

I'm not sure how much I'll be blogging or online in the next few weeks. There is also some other family drama going on. I've had some challenges with the teen too. I'm just feeling very tired of it all. I want to run away and escape. I'd really love some time on the darkside with Master right now..

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

A rough few days

It's been a rough few days. Yesterday was a pretty bad day. There is some family drama going on as well as the situation with my FIL. My FIL is in the hospital with a broken leg. He's also got a lot going on with having cancer.

He is needing oxygen and a lot of help and support right now. We are his caregivers so there is a lot of responsibility right now. It's not easy to deal with a parent with terminal cancer. It's been upsetting for the whole family. :(

There is some drama going on with my mom and brother. I knew that it was a bad idea for them to live together. It hasn't gone very well. I need to take a few steps back from that situation though. It's way too stressful to deal with. My main focus is Master Anakin and our kids as well as my FIL.

Today is a busy day for me. I am walking my son to school in the mornings now as well as the afternoons. I'm also getting back into yoga. I haven't done it since Friday. I think it will help with some stress relief. I'm chatting with my good friend, @jenpet right now. I want to wish her well for the birth of her new daughter on Thursday! I'm really excited for her! :)

I am missing Master a lot today. I'm glad He is home on Friday. I am hoping that we can continue with the play that we started yesterday. It got interrupted and I would love to get more spankings from Him! :)

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

A rough weekend

Date night went really well on Friday night. We went out for sushi and then came home to play. There was bondage and lots of spanking. The sex was amazing and we had several orgasms. There was even more play on Saturday morning. We got a call though and had to race over to my FIL (Father-in-Law)'s place. He had taken a really bad fall and needed help. I didn't know how bad it was until we got there.

He couldn't stand up without being in extreme pain. He was short of breath and was in really rough shape. We decided to call 911 and get assistance for him. It was really hard to see him like that. He was taken to the hospital by ambulance and we followed behind. He had broken his leg and needs surgery. He is getting surgery done this morning. They are also running a bunch of tests on him. He's fallen a few times but this time was the worst. They are very concerned that the cancer has spread. :(

It became very clear to us that things need to change with my FIL. He's going to need home care support and a lot of help. It's a lot to think about. I had an emotional breakdown over it yesterday. My FIL is very important to our family. He is more of a Dad to me than my own ever was. He's a really great man. He helped me to raise our kids. It really upsets me to think of life without him. I know we have to face the reality though that he has terminal cancer and our time with him is limited. We need to appreciate any time that we get to spend with him.

I am thinking of my FIL and hoping the surgery goes well. We'll have to take it all one step at a time. I'm not sure how long he'll be in the hospital or may even need long term care. I am glad Anakin is there. He's been really great taking care of His Dad. I'm so proud of Him.

We'll get through this. Our force is strong.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala