The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

The Good - This weekend was a mixture of emotions for me. The good part of it was seeing my teen daughter have her prom night. She looked beautiful in her prom dress. Her boyfriend surprised her by taking her to prom in a helicopter! Talk about making an entrance! I was so happy for the teen. It was nice to celebrate something positive. I can't believe she is graduating from high school! The years have really flown by fast.

The Bad - I was extremely stressed out about getting a call back on my mammogram. I had a second mammogram done on Friday. I spent a lot of time over the weekend feeling very worried and anxious. I spent almost 2 hours on Saturday night trying to find a lump in my left breast.

I couldn't feel anything and either could Anakin. My Doctor also didn't feel anything when I had a breast exam during my recent physical exam. It's been agonizing waiting to find out what's going on. I have a breast ultrasound tomorrow on my left breast. I see the Doctor on Thursday to discuss the results. I may need a biopsy if the breast ultrasound doesn't go very well. It's hard to wait for answers. I know people tell me not to worry but how can you not?  It's a very big worry. Having breast cancer would change my life. I just hope it turns out ok. I've been extremely stressed out about it.

and the Ugly - Cancer is such an ugly disease. I feel like it's touched my life in so many ways. I've watched it take away people that I love. I've seen people (like one of my best friends) struggle with it in a very big way. She had stage 3 breast cancer. Had 2 years of chemo and radiation as well as losing her breasts. Cancer sucks! It is a horrible feeling when you wonder if you have it. I've tried to be healthy but sometimes that isn't enough. Cancer can happen to anyone. It's very scary. :(

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Feeling the force through a difficult time

I am trying to feel the force during a very difficult time. It's been just over a week since my FIL (Father-in-law) passed away. Hard to believe. It's been such a busy and stressful week. Lots to do for the memorial and estate stuff is starting. It's a hell of a lot of work. It's a very emotional as well as physical process. It's hard to pack up all my in-laws belongings. It's weird to think there won't be anymore visits to their place.

I am trying to get back to normal but things don't feel quite right. I'm still very emotional and have meltdowns a lot. It's very hard. I know that my FIL is in a better place but I still miss him. It's hard to adjust to a life without both of my in-laws. It feels like the end of an era.

I am planning to start writing my speech today for my FIL's memorial. It's very difficult for me to find the words. My FIL was a very big part of our life. It's really hard to say goodbye.  :( 

I feel like a very changed person after my experiences of visiting my FIL during the last few months. He was in the hospital after a bad fall in January. Anakin and I visited the hospital between 50-60 times. I felt a very strong bond with my FIL. I held his hand and comforted him during some very difficult times. Watching a loved one suffer from cancer is very cruel and mean. There were some really heartbreaking moments during our visits. I'm glad that he is not in anymore pain. He is also together with his wife now. I know he wasn't the same after my MIL passed away.

Watching someone you love pass away is truly a life changing experience. I spent 10-15 minutes alone with my FIL after he passed away. I will never forget what that experience was like. It was truly surreal and spiritual as well. I feel my FIL's spirit around us. It gives me comfort that I will meet him again one day. As well as many other loved ones.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

9 year wedding/TPE anniversary

It's hard to believe that it was 9 years ago today that I married Master Anakin. I can remember how beautiful the day was. Everything was perfect. We had all our friends and family around us. Our kids were able to be a part of our wedding. We became a real family that day. My wedding night was very special too. I signed a TPE (Total power exchange) agreement and our relationship dynamic changed a lot after that day.

A lot has happened in the last 9 years. We have lost many loved ones along the way. Today is normally a very happy day but it is also sad for me. I can remember my FIL welcoming me into the family on my wedding day. I felt like he became my Dad that day. We lost him on Sunday when he passed away. I have been grieving a lot in the last few days. We are in the process of packing up his stuff so we can sell his place. I miss him so much already although I know he is in a better place. We are planning for his memorial which is coming up.

Anakin and I did celebrate our anniversary although I never had the chance to blog about it. We went out on Saturday after we visited my FIL in the hospital. We went out for a romantic dinner and then to the casino. I won money too! I won almost a hundred bucks! We came home to play time and some great sex.  It was a very nice way to celebrate our anniversary.

The very next day we lost my FIL. It was one of the hardest experiences in my life to say a final goodbye to him. I do know that he would be very happy for Anakin and I today. He was one of the biggest supporters in our relationship. I am so glad that he (and many others who have passed away) were able to be a part of our family wedding 9 years ago today.

Happy anniversary, Master.i truly love being Your wife and TPE slave. xoxo

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Sad news about my FIL

It's been a really difficult few months since my FIL (Father-in-law) went into the hospital back in January. We knew it was coming but was still a shock to get the phone call last night. We got the call just before 10 pm that he didn't have much time left. We raced to the hospital and got there shortly after he passed away. Anakin and I and both of our kids said our final goodbyes. I spent about 10 minutes alone with my FIL. It was a very surreal moment for me and extremely difficult.

I told him how much I loved him and thanked him for being so good to me and my family. It was one of the most difficult moments of my life. We stayed for about 2 hours and left the hospital just after midnight. It was a very strange feeling to know that we were leaving the hospital and not coming back again. It's become such a big part of our lives the last few months. Cancer sucks. I am glad he is not in anymore pain but it's a very difficult process to lose someone you love so much.

My FIL was like a Dad to me. He helped me to raise my kids. He was a class act and very good man. Some deaths really hit you harder than other ones. I almost don't have the words to describe how I feel right now. I am crying as I type this blog post. My heart feels very sad.

We have a meeting at the funeral home this afternoon. There is lots to do for the memorial. I am not sure how much I will be online for the next few days or weeks. This is a very difficult time for our whole family.

May the force be with my FIL...I am so grateful for each and every day that I got to spend with him over the last 20 years. He will truly be missed...

~padme amidala

Back to normal

Things are back to normal again today. The kids are finally back to school after a two week Spring Break. Anakin is back to work after a 4 day long weekend for Easter. We had a pretty nice Easter. We managed to find some time for naughty fun on the darkside. We also were able to get away for a really nice afternoon in Burnaby on Saturday. It was nice to get away from it all for a while.

Easter was also a bit of a sad holiday for us too. We visited my FIL (Father-in-Law) in the hospital for Easter. That situation has been really stressful. I find the visits very upsetting and heartbreaking. I feel guilty when I don't visit though. It's hard to say how long that situation is going to go on for. He's still hanging on although I notice a lot of deterioration each week. Cancer sucks!

I've had some heath issues going on as well. I saw my Doctor and have a whole bunch of tests to get done. I've got a shoulder injury but plan to do yoga today. I haven't been able to do it in a few days and really miss it. It helps to center me and also with stress release. I got permission to use the Hitachi today too! That also helps a lot with stress release. :P

I did weigh-in yesterday. I was really nervous about stepping on the scale. I was down another 3 pounds though. I am now down to 157 pounds!! Someone asked me yesterday about a new goal weight. I'm not sure. I never expected to get down to this weight. I've reached two of my goal weights since the New Year started. It's been 3 months since I started my new healthy journey with Master. I'm really proud of our success and how far we have both come.  It hasn't been easy.

I am hoping to get back to blogging more often. I've missed it. :)

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Date night tonight!

I thought I would write a quick update on our blog. I have kind of missed blogging lately. It has been a very difficult and overwhelming time for Anakin and I.  Anakin had last week off work and we were both dealing with a lot of serious issues.  There was a big family meeting about my FIL who is dealing with a lot of serious health issues.  He's in very bad health and there have been many worries about him.

We have been going back and forth to the hospital almost daily to visit him. We have both felt emotionally drained over it all. Our kids have also been home on Spring Break this week. They are off school next week too. So we divide our time between our kids and trying to have a normal type of life in the midst of visiting my FIL who is not doing very well. We take it day by day with it all.

We have not had very much fun lately. It's been over 2 weeks since we last played. I haven't been spanked. There hasn't even been much of a sex life lately. It's been really hard to get into the mood for that.  We have been able to get a date night tonight. We are both hoping to go to the movies to take a break and get our minds off things for a while.

I'm really hoping we can play on the darkside. I've been longing for some rough play to escape from all the stress that has been happening lately. I could really use a hard spanking right now!

I'm not sure how much I'll be blogging but I did want to post today and check into our blog. I've really missed all my Twitter/blog/online friends.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

A blogging break

The last few days have been extremely stressful for me. I'm dealing with a lot of serious stuff happening in my life. My FIL is starting to really decline and that situation is not looking very good. Master Anakin has taken the day off work today. We are planning to visit him. The visits take a lot out of me though. I'm never sure if it's the last time I'm ever going to see him. My heart is breaking. I have always considered my FIL to be a member of my immediate family and like a Dad. It's very hard situation to be dealing with.

We are also dealing with some family issues going on right now. I want to make it clear that my marriage and relationship are solid though. It's been a really rough time for Anakin too but we are holding strong together to get through this rough patch. 

I've been really depressed the last few days. I haven't felt like being online very much. I'm sorry if I haven't responded to your tweet/DM/e-mail or messages. I may be out of touch while I'm dealing with things.  I'm trying to hold it together right now and that hasn't been easy for me. I am just hoping that things will get easier at some point.

I've decided to take a break from blogging until things get a bit better. The journey to the darkside will continue...

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Staying strong through the dark times

The last few days have been very challenging and stressful for me. I've had a very hard staying on track during it. It was wonderful to get away for a night on Friday. I was able to escape my problems and worries for a while. Then we came back to a lot of reality. My FIL is facing some very serious health issues right now.

He's had pneumonia as well as issues with having cancer. He's deteriorated a lot in the last few weeks. He is still in ICU and not doing very well. I am not sure if/when he is getting out.  The visits to the ICU are exhausting and very emotionally draining.  The ICU has to be one of the most depressing places that I've ever been in my life. A lot of the people are very critical. Some of them wind up getting moved over to the hospice. I keep wondering if we might be dealing with that one day soon. :/

I spent most of the day crying yesterday and feeling very depressed. My FIL is like a Dad to me. He's become a very important part of our family. It feels like a very hopeless situation. I have tried to keep the faith and be positive but it's been very hard sometimes. He is skin and bones and is wasting away in a hospital bed. Cancer sucks! Sometimes he is able to communicate with us but other times he doesn't even recognize us. :(  I'm never sure if I'm ever going to see him again when we leave the hospital. It's a *horrible* feeling!!!

Staying on a healthy track is very difficult when I'm so stressed and depressed over this. Yesterday I was really tempted to pick up some vodka and get really drunk. I've sworn off hard liquor though. I still drink wine but that's very limited. I want to try to cope with the stress and go back to old bad habits like turning to vodka to try to comfort me. I'm not doing to do that though. I was able to do yoga today and that helped me a lot. I was very proud of myself for staying on track even though I was really not wanting to.  Staying healthy when you are very depressed and stressed is hard. I'm really proud of myself. It hasn't been easy at times.

My force hasn't felt very strong lately but Master has been very supportive. Our force is strong. This is a very rough time but I know we'll get through this. We are a very strong couple.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Life can be a roller coaster!

Life can be a real roller coaster sometimes! Many ups and downs as well as hard times. This weekend had many ups and downs. I was glad to take a bit of a break yesterday from it all. We went on a family walk in the park. I enjoyed the sunshine and walking on a hike with Master. We came back and I felt like a bit of a crash.

Master is home from work today. We are dealing with some really serious issues. My FIL needs some legal work done. He's still in ICU and not in great shape. This whole situation is very difficult. I always have to emotionally prepare myself for a visit with my FIL. The ICU is a very depressing place to be. It really shakes me up sometimes.

It's hard to stay healthy in the midst of a crisis. I want to go back to old habits. The temptation is very strong sometimes to drink a shot of vodka. I don't drink hard liquor anymore. It's hard though. I really want to have a shot right now. It used to help me cope with my stress. I need to find healthier ways to deal with it. I haven't done yoga in a few days. I'm going to try to do that today. It's also a sunny day so I'm going to try to go out for a big hike with Master somewhere.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Calm in the midst of a storm

This morning felt like the calm in the midst of a storm. I've been really stressed out lately. The whole situation with my FIL has been very stressful. We found out that he does have pneumonia in his lungs. There was some talk about doing surgery but we need to take it one step at a time. He needs to get stronger and better first. It's a very serious situation. I try to hold onto every moment that I get to spend with him. I never know when we are leaving the hospital if it's the last time I might see my FIL.

Anakin has been very upset. He's lost a mom and is dealing with a Dad who's fighting for his life. I saw Anakin crying and that isn't something He does very often. He tries hard to be strong but I can tell this has been really upsetting for Him. I wish that I could do more. It's a very helpless situation and it's been hard for our whole family.

I was up at 5 am and started to snuggle up to Master. We started to kiss and then make out a little. We were both holding onto the moment. I felt His hard cock and then He eased His way into me. The sex was very loving. I needed that connection so badly. I was able to kiss Him goodbye on the way out the door. He also gave me permission to use the Hitachi today. I'm having a day of rest. I think that I've really needed this.

Anakin and I are strong. Our force is strong. We'll get through this storm together. We are a very strong couple. We've gone through bad times and gotten through it. Life is really hard sometimes. You have to hold onto those special moments. This morning felt really nice. A nice escape from all the stress. I love my Master so much. I can't imagine my life without Him.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

Bad news

We got some bad news this morning. :/  The hospital phoned. Things didn't sound very good. My FIL's stats were pretty bad so they sent him over to the ER department. I've been really worried that this might happen. :(  I'm very upset right now. I don't want to lose my FIL. He's a good man. I'm really sad this is happening. He's a very big part of my family.

One of the hardest parts about life is when you start to lose people you love. I've lost too many to cancer. :(  It really makes you think about life and how short it is. Hold onto those you love. One day they might not be there anymore.

My heart is hurting. I am trying to hold on through this rough time. It's hard to lose someone you love. I just hope that we can get more time with my FIL. I'm not ready to lose him yet. :(  I know that this is really hard for Anakin and our kids too. He's been a very big part of my kid's lives. I'm very glad for all the great memories we have shared as a family. This is very upsetting.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

A stressful weekend

It's been a pretty stressful weekend. I could really use a vacation or even a break from life. I was hoping that we might get a date night on Friday but it never happened. I was exhausted and had been feeling depressed all day. Master Anakin bought me some wine but that seemed to make me more sleepy. We did have some really great sex before bed. I even had a big g-spot orgasm. He spanked me with His hand and then sent me to bed.

I woke up to one of the worst periods ever!!! My period has been really late and it finally started!! It's been horrible! The Doctor suspects that I have fibroids which are causing my heavy periods. I was even offered the chance to have a hysterectomy. That seems very scary to me though. I've heard some horror stories about hysterectomies and how they can affect your hormones. It's hard though. I feel awful today. Maybe it's not such a bad idea after all. The heavy periods are causing me to get anemic as well. Anakin mentioned that my face looked pale. I also get really tired too.

My FIL isn't doing very well. It's turned into a serious situation. He caught a cold while at the hospital. We noticed it the other day. He reassured us that he would talk to the nurse about it. He didn't though. It looked like the cold had gone into his chest. I'm very certain that it's pneumonia. It can be common to get that while in the hospital. He's got cancer and a very low immune system. We called the nurse to come look at him. She seemed surprised by how bad it was. :/  His blood pressure was low. His heart was racing. He really didn't look very well.

I felt very uneasy leaving the hospital. I just had a really bad feeling about it. Anakin phoned the hospital and talked to several people about it. The whole situation really bothered me last night. I could barely function. I had to take a sleeping pill to get some sleep. I kept expecting the phone to ring from the hospital. We are going back up there today to check on him. I really hope he's going to be ok. I'm very worried. Cancer sucks!

We don't have a lot of help and support with this situation either. I'm kind of pissed off at a few family members. This is a very serious situation. It's hard to deal with. I have felt very depressed about it. It is very difficult to see a loved one with cancer that is struggling to breathe. :(  I love my FIL like my Dad. He's been really good to me and the family. It's going to be very hard when the day comes that we lose him.

I'm not sure how much I'll be blogging or online in the next few weeks. There is also some other family drama going on. I've had some challenges with the teen too. I'm just feeling very tired of it all. I want to run away and escape. I'd really love some time on the darkside with Master right now..

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

A rough few days

It's been a rough few days. Yesterday was a pretty bad day. There is some family drama going on as well as the situation with my FIL. My FIL is in the hospital with a broken leg. He's also got a lot going on with having cancer.

He is needing oxygen and a lot of help and support right now. We are his caregivers so there is a lot of responsibility right now. It's not easy to deal with a parent with terminal cancer. It's been upsetting for the whole family. :(

There is some drama going on with my mom and brother. I knew that it was a bad idea for them to live together. It hasn't gone very well. I need to take a few steps back from that situation though. It's way too stressful to deal with. My main focus is Master Anakin and our kids as well as my FIL.

Today is a busy day for me. I am walking my son to school in the mornings now as well as the afternoons. I'm also getting back into yoga. I haven't done it since Friday. I think it will help with some stress relief. I'm chatting with my good friend, @jenpet right now. I want to wish her well for the birth of her new daughter on Thursday! I'm really excited for her! :)

I am missing Master a lot today. I'm glad He is home on Friday. I am hoping that we can continue with the play that we started yesterday. It got interrupted and I would love to get more spankings from Him! :)

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala

A rough weekend

Date night went really well on Friday night. We went out for sushi and then came home to play. There was bondage and lots of spanking. The sex was amazing and we had several orgasms. There was even more play on Saturday morning. We got a call though and had to race over to my FIL (Father-in-Law)'s place. He had taken a really bad fall and needed help. I didn't know how bad it was until we got there.

He couldn't stand up without being in extreme pain. He was short of breath and was in really rough shape. We decided to call 911 and get assistance for him. It was really hard to see him like that. He was taken to the hospital by ambulance and we followed behind. He had broken his leg and needs surgery. He is getting surgery done this morning. They are also running a bunch of tests on him. He's fallen a few times but this time was the worst. They are very concerned that the cancer has spread. :(

It became very clear to us that things need to change with my FIL. He's going to need home care support and a lot of help. It's a lot to think about. I had an emotional breakdown over it yesterday. My FIL is very important to our family. He is more of a Dad to me than my own ever was. He's a really great man. He helped me to raise our kids. It really upsets me to think of life without him. I know we have to face the reality though that he has terminal cancer and our time with him is limited. We need to appreciate any time that we get to spend with him.

I am thinking of my FIL and hoping the surgery goes well. We'll have to take it all one step at a time. I'm not sure how long he'll be in the hospital or may even need long term care. I am glad Anakin is there. He's been really great taking care of His Dad. I'm so proud of Him.

We'll get through this. Our force is strong.

May the force be with you all!!

~padme amidala